It's a very hostile gesture -- giving people things you KNOW they don't want ... and I think it's an even more aggressive one to give people food they should not eat for the sake of their health. The treats brought in to Lauren's office recently are a prime example, though it could be that the donors don't know she's celiac; too bad that the staff who did eat them couldn't enjoy them thoroughly either, through the guilt that was prompted by their own knowledge.
I know quite a bit about this phenomenon: we just got a gift box full of wheat and sugar, from people who know we try to avoid those things. They've done this sort of thing before, too.
What motivates people to put others in an uncomfortable position? Why do some seem to delight in making others feel bad? In many cases, I don't think the reason is PERSONAL, but some kind of a game they're playing in their own heads. It's minimally damaging in the tiny way it usually plays out in people's lives, but it's indicative of a BIG issue....
Sociopathic selfishness is the biggest problem in America today. It's behind all the ultra-rich who have more than they could ever spend (let alone NEED), but who exert their economic and political power to take absolute necessities away from people who are working hard for the pittance they earn. It's behind all the hate/scorn and prejudice exhibited by the powerful against the powerless.
"What's wrong" is pretty easy to define, but damned hard to correct. The socially-deficient don't even KNOW they have a problem, in many cases. They think they're very clever, and deserve to lord it over the "stupid" and "lazy." They don't have any idea what destructive animals they are -- hell, most of them consider themselves stellar examples of Homo Sapiens, and probably exemplary Christians, to boot. THIS is why I really need to believe in karma....
What can EACH of us do? If we can find a way to shame and laugh at them, that might be the best medicine. I won't do anything emotionally retaliatory about that boxful of pastries sitting in my kitchen right now -- anonymously outing them here is enough, expressing my disdain and acknowledging that i'm not fooled by a theoretically generous gesture. But I think that the next time somebody WHO KNOWS BETTER serves me a pasta dinner and giggles, "oops, I forgot!" i'll just smile sweetly, get up from the table and drive away to where I can get a proper meal.
Tess, I understand completely. I had a co-worker who could eat carbs and sugar all day, every day and never put on a pound. She was constantly trying to get me to eat that stuff at work, flaunting it in front of me saying it was home-made and surely one wouldn't hurt. It's been years and I've thought about it and think that the problem was all hers. She didn't want me to succeed, pure and simple. Call it evil or a mental illness on her part but her insecurity fed her need to tempt people to not succeed with whatever they were trying to do specifically dieting.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure most of us, who have to WORK at staying healthy, have people like that in our lives! :-( After hearing about the book "Evil Genes" from Lori, I read it with interest ... but still can't understand what goes wrong with some of these people! The fact that there seem to be more of them around as time goes by, I find exceptionally disturbing.
DeleteA lady in my office made me brownies for my birthday this year. In her defence, she sees me eat fatty meat for lunch and put cream in my coffee, so I think she just assumed I eat a lot of unhealthy crap.
ReplyDeleteNice lady, just strangely determined to give everyone in the office diabetes - she doesn't even eat what she makes.
Luckily? I had a sick kid that day so didn't go to work.
Have a good one, Tess.
There IS an awful lot of variation in what people think is a "healthy diet".... Some people are just as appalled at red meat and cream as we are at pasta and baked goods. Then, throughout most of history, the gift of ANY kind of food was something people really appreciated.... FIRST-WORLD PROBLEM here! :-) Everybody please excuse my rant!
DeleteHope you have a good one, too, Mr. Chips!
Honestly? I kind of blame myself. I haven't been 100% faithful to the tenets of primal. They've seen me eat a tiny bit of chocolate or sugar here or there over the past 23 months. That said, the ones who always give me See's, I took a proactive stance and specifically reached out to them and said please, don't. And reminded them why. (vendors.) Only one still did, so it's good. And I got a gorgeous pair of gloves from another; so a significant score.
ReplyDeleteThat said, my younger daughter made chili and cornbread when they had us for dinner for Sat. Nothing else. WTH? But I have kind of weird dynamics with her; so it might have been, like you said, passive-aggressive on her part...who knows. It was Xmas, and I didn't want to cause a scene, and I chose not to bring anything (assuming there would at least be a garden salad.) Anyhow, live and learn. Some do it intentionally, and the reasons behind those intentions can vary from jealousy to just plain being mean.
I speak out when it's socially okay to do so, and just ignore them other times and simply don't imbibe. Sooner or later, they'll realize this eating philosophy is NOT going away. ;)
Yes, when I read your post today, it seemed very analogous.... We do have to make judgement calls on these situations when they come up, and sometimes it just seems wise to bite to bullet and not react. :-)
DeleteBeing the child of a depression-era mother, it's really hard for me to know what to do with unwanted foodstuffs -- I hate to throw things away, but ...? I also like to CHOOSE my indulgences; if i'm going to bend my own rules, I want to do so with something usually-prohibited that I absolutely LOVE, not with something ordinary or full of REALLY nasty ingredients.
[sigh] Yes, as you can see, i'm now feeling guilty for lashing out, after being given something that ten years ago I would have enjoyed! But as with your daughter, I have issues with the donor....
tough call. We can only do what feels best at the time, weighing all the options.
DeleteI do not believe there was any hidden malicious intent in the gift basket we received. Later in the day we received another similar basket from a dear and devoted friend containing much of the same kind of stuff. I will send "thanks" to all of them, not mentioning we did not eat any of it. The grand kids will enjoy the treats when they visit.
ReplyDeletePerhaps next year we should send out a preemptive note suggesting, for those wanting to send something, what we would most like to receive. Maybe steaks or lobster! Just a thought.
LOL -- no-o-o-o, I don't think i'd wanna go THERE. And I don't think "hidden malicious intent" is the descriptor i'd ever use for this situation, either. On the other hand, I wouldn't mark it down as completely innocent, for my own reasons.
Delete(and in defense of the second gift, it contained wine as the centerpiece....)
About all you can do is say, "You really shouldn't have!" and whip out a Qwest bar. For you, not them.
ReplyDeleteWhy do people do this? Having been raised by a narcissist father who did things like this on every occasion, and other relatives who usually gave wildly irrelevant gifs, my take is that you don't matter to people like this. They know they're supposed to give a gift, and that box of cookies looks festive, and people like cookies, so they get the cookies. You might have told them a million times that you don't eat cookies, but since that's not important to them, they don't remember it any more than they remember their children's ages, hobbies, or tastes (unless there's something they can brag about). Just say thanks, throw it out and be glad you don't live with these people.
In fairness to my father, he would ask for specific things to get. He went to some trouble to get me The Primal Blueprint Cookbook. But asking was the only way he had any clue as to what to get. As for my mother, though, he constantly offered her sweets, which as a diabetic, she didn't need to eat.
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Deletelol, Lori, once again you are the voice of reason!
Deleteindeed she is.... :-) Lori, I think you're absolutely correct in this case, too. How difficult it must have been for you, growing up in that kind of atmosphere -- but it certainly helped you attain wisdom!
DeleteWell, it forced me to stand on my own two feet. But the wisdom came from something Dr. Phil said: if you're not getting something you need from your parents, you need to give it to yourself. That was a game changer for me.
DeleteIt might help to throw in "United States of Whatever" to your holiday music playlist.
Delete:-) unfortunately, if one isn't getting what one needs, one MAY not know exactly what it is until quite mature, by which time the damage is done. i'm glad you were wise enough to profit by it!
Deletei'm not familiar with USoW -- i'll check it out, thanks!
It's kind of funny...some vendors will bring fruit thinking it's healthy...whatever, I just say thanks and laugh and walk away. My staff hasn't given up sugar yet, so they eat it.
ReplyDeleteYesterday someone brought coffee (ground in a bag) and chocolate and some mugs. I snatched up the coffee and mugs! left the chocolate lying on the table for someone else. ....evil grin.
good for you!!! :-) ...bless their hearts, when you know someone is TRYING to "do the right thing" it's easier to excuse their mistakes.
DeleteYes, it's the time of year when my clients deluge us, mostly w/sweets! We should all have these First World Problems of being so "beloved" ;-)
ReplyDeleteA profound difference this year - while I've sampled a niblet here, a few dark chocolate-covered almonds there - in years past I've literally eaten myself SICK on the junk!!!